Out of Staters

Massholes

It is absolutely imperative that we know where God was conceived. The reason for this, of course, is because of our overwhelming need to know where we come from. If I had to guess, I would say that God was conceived at East ThirthThird Street, Saint John’s place, apartment Twenty Seven, Boston Massachusetts, 02108. I am guessing this for two reasons: one, the people of Massachusetts are the most understanding people on the planet, if God where still alive, he would be proud of their amazing ability to communicate openly. And two, when it comes down to it, the people of Massachusetts are really steadfast in their traditions; to this day keeping God’s original dialect alive.

I would like to share with you all some facts about the good people of Massachusetts. About one hundred percent of Bostonians love their tea with salt water. Fifty Two point Three percent are Irish and of them one hundred percent are professional alcohol strainers. Point in case the Irish dock workers union’s official meeting place is Patty’s Pub on Forty Third. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture, Bostonians play a pivotal role in why they, I mean I think God was made in Mass. Speaking out for what’s right is one of their strong suits. Everywhere they go, even in other states they always make a point to make their point heard. It all makes sense when you think of it from my point of view; they are direct descendants of God’s lineage, they don’t have to play by anyone’s rules.

Just the other day a descendant almost hit me while I was helping an old lady cross the street, and a voice from heaven rang out: “Waatch it asshole, you almost hit my caa!” In the original dialect of God, Aramaic, I conclude that there wasn’t a need for the letter “R”. This of course makes sense when you have studied the language of the modern day descendants themselves. It is tough to communicate with these beings at times; even I have trouble with the translation, especially when they have been drinking the God juice. Though if you make a valiant effort to replace the A’s with R’s and listen to what they are saying instead of how they say it, it should be easy to understand. After all, if you can’t get past a few fuck you’s and up yours’s, you shouldn’t even talk to them.