Out of Staters

Massholes

It is absolutely imperative that we know where God was conceived. The reason for this, of course, is because of our overwhelming need to know where we come from. If I had to guess, I would say that God was conceived at East ThirthThird Street, Saint John’s place, apartment Twenty Seven, Boston Massachusetts, 02108. I am guessing this for two reasons: one, the people of Massachusetts are the most understanding people on the planet, if God where still alive, he would be proud of their amazing ability to communicate openly. And two, when it comes down to it, the people of Massachusetts are really steadfast in their traditions; to this day keeping God’s original dialect alive.

I would like to share with you all some facts about the good people of Massachusetts. About one hundred percent of Bostonians love their tea with salt water. Fifty Two point Three percent are Irish and of them one hundred percent are professional alcohol strainers. Point in case the Irish dock workers union’s official meeting place is Patty’s Pub on Forty Third. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture, Bostonians play a pivotal role in why they, I mean I think God was made in Mass. Speaking out for what’s right is one of their strong suits. Everywhere they go, even in other states they always make a point to make their point heard. It all makes sense when you think of it from my point of view; they are direct descendants of God’s lineage, they don’t have to play by anyone’s rules.

Just the other day a descendant almost hit me while I was helping an old lady cross the street, and a voice from heaven rang out: “Waatch it asshole, you almost hit my caa!” In the original dialect of God, Aramaic, I conclude that there wasn’t a need for the letter “R”. This of course makes sense when you have studied the language of the modern day descendants themselves. It is tough to communicate with these beings at times; even I have trouble with the translation, especially when they have been drinking the God juice. Though if you make a valiant effort to replace the A’s with R’s and listen to what they are saying instead of how they say it, it should be easy to understand. After all, if you can’t get past a few fuck you’s and up yours’s, you shouldn’t even talk to them.

Mock News Release

Mountain East Medical
134 Ranchorst Dr.
Woodsville, NH 05789
555-555-5555


News Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE FOR MORE INFORMATION, CONTACT:
David Rossignol
Director of Media Relations
555-555-5555
drossignol@gmail.com


Mountain East Medical appoints new Head of Purchasing

Woodsville, NH-Mountain East Medical has appointed a new Head of Purchasing, Johnny Toler. Toler will be replacing the former Head of Purchasing, Bob Wilkinson, who has moved on to another job with City Memorial Hospital.
Toler has been with the hospital for 13 years. Starting as an assistant druggist, he moved to the purchasing department in 1978. Toler said, “This hospital means a great deal to me and my family, and I will give my best efforts to making our purchasing department the best. I learned from a fine man-Bob Wilkinson-and I hope I can continue to build on the foundation he established.”

TMI in the media

Good: http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/groundhog-day-in-pa-punxsutawney-phil-predicts-six-more-weeks-of-wintry-weather-83332877.html
This article was well written as it did not include very many adjectives or adverbs; it was right on point.

http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/toyota-announces-comprehensive-plan-to-fix-accelerator-pedals-on-recalled-vehicles-and-ensure-customer-safety-83233002.html
A well written statment that covers the W's on our fact sheet. The writer even writes the how which is undoubtedly a question on every mind of the effected Toyota owners.

Bad: http://globenewswire.com/newsroom/news.html?d=183385
This press release was not well written as it used anicdotal information: it was not to the point of what we covered on the fact sheet.

http://globenewswire.com/newsroom/news.html?d=183331
This press release was even more off from the type covered by the fact sheet. I am not sure that a quarterly earnign report needs the why, though I would like to know still.

LYNDON STATE COLLEGE
1001 College Rd.
Lyndonville, VT 05851
802-626-2000



Fact Sheet

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE FOR MORE INFORMATION, CONTACT:
Jan. 26, 2010 David Rossignol
Director of Media Relations
802-427-1673

Storm Chasers picked for summer internship

What: Four Lyndon State College students have been picked to participate in Professor Nolan Atkins storm chaser internship. They will seek out bad weather to collect data from it.

Who: Toni McGee, Rachel Ducharme, Michael Michaud, and Craig Johnson who are students of Lyndon State College’s Atmospheric Sciences Department.
Where: This takes place in the mid-west from the top of Texas to the Dakotas.

When: The four students and Professor Atkins will be leaving at the end of the spring semester and will be gone for one month.

Why: Professor Atkins said “they are chasing for a reason”, noting that, “the National Weather Service fails to predict sever weather seventy five percent of the time.” The data collected during the internship is to be used by everyone in an effort to better understand and better predict its behavior.